All the Ways I Stay Closed
All the Ways I Stay Closed
estefaaano_writes
-
oh, what immense longing
to meet you
as the glass-half-full
version of me
before my mouth
learned the taste of vinegar.
was malleable then,
skin soft enough for folding
now calcified,
impossible.
would've folded
like origami in your hands,
let you reshape me
into something beautiful.
but I can't now,
when I've become all hard angles
and defensive postures,
a brick built from every time
someone said they'd stay
and didn't.
it is often said that
feeling should be gentle,
should rise as naturally
as daylight touches windowpanes.
but I keep learning
the way I hold myself
sharp sliced under fingernails,
splinters I push in deeper,
hard to pull out,
harder still to offer
to oneself.
your arms are reaching,
so much space,
so much tentative hope,
and your eager heart is throbbing,
it doesn't understand
why the door won't open.
I feel your frustrations,
but my body is sealed
in the places
where I keep the broken glass
of who I used to be,
in the remnants
of misgiving.
you swear you can take it
that you're strong enough
to love someone who flinches
at tenderness,
but you don't know
how hard I can make it.
antiheroes you'll never meet
still, you can thank them for
why I'm so goddamn reactionary
their names engraved
on the headstones
lining in the
graveyard within my stomach.
they seeded this low,
ceaseless fury
that scours my affections raw.
meanwhile you,
just a body trying to buoy me
with ordinary kindness,
trying to tell me I look nice.
and the words landed,
ricocheted off my armor,
uneasy,
unsheltered,
I couldn’t build higher walls
if I tried.
now, I'm performing
mental gymnastics to figure out
what you really mean.
I couldn't make it
any harder to love myself,
it is not that I would not open,
only that the act now
feels impossible.
one day, you’ll tire
of fragile edges,
the burden of a heart
that cannot unclench.
you’ll ache for someone
who fits you easier,
whose loving doesn’t thunder
against closed doors,
a heart less bruised,
easier hands
the ones that open,
someone you can reach.
and I won't blame you.
I'll just wish I could've been
the glass-half-full version
you deserved to meet
before the world taught me
that empty was safer
than hoping to be filled.
It’s like you put words to a feeling I could never describe. There’s comfort in knowing someone else understands what it’s like to recoil from kindness when you need it most.
ReplyDeleteYour writing has a rare honesty that makes me reexamine my own walls.
ReplyDeleteProfound and relatable
ReplyDeleteThis piece makes vulnerability feel almost tangible.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve managed to articulate the exhaustion of always bracing for the worst. I hope these words reach someone who needs them; they reminded me I’m not alone.
ReplyDeleteI've reread this countless times and each time, it speaks to a new part of me.
ReplyDeleteYour words feel like an embrace for anyone who's ever struggled to let someone in.
ReplyDeletethe metaphors you use linger in my mind long after reading
ReplyDeleteI wish I could express myself this honestly!
ReplyDeletethank you for your courage ☁️
It’s soooooooo comforting to feel seen in your writing.
ReplyDelete😞
ReplyDeleteYou have an uncanny ability to describe the invisible wounds we all carry.
ReplyDeleteyour poetry always makes me feel less alone
ReplyDeleteI felt every line like a pulse under my skin!
ReplyDeleteThere’s beauty in your vulnerability, even in the pain.
ReplyDeleteThis is the first poem in a while that’s made me tear up
ReplyDeleteYou capture the exhaustion of emotional self-defense perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI keep coming back to the origami metaphor.
ReplyDeleteit’s so evocative.
every stanza is like opening an old, forgotten door.
ReplyDeletethank you for putting feelings into words when I couldn’t, estefaaano_writes.
ReplyDeletedeeply personal and universally relatable... that’s your magic.
ReplyDeleteI’ve sent this poem to friends who needed to hear these words.
ReplyDeleteThere’s so much love for your honesty here.
ReplyDeleteNothing feels exaggerated, everything feels real.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why, but I feel protective of the voice speaking here.
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting us in, even if just through your writing.
ReplyDeleteYou offer hope in the smallest of silences.
ReplyDeleteYour words are a haven for hearts in need.
ReplyDeleteyour writing invites light where there was none
ReplyDeleteyou’re proof that words can heal
ReplyDeleteestefaaano_writes, your craft is as delicate as your subject matter. ❤️
ReplyDeletethis is like a deep exhale. I treasure every poem you share estefaaano_writes.
ReplyDeleteThere's a rawness in your writing that makes the ache of self-protection palpable. It’s like you’ve given voice to the gut-wrenching tension between craving connection and fearing the vulnerability it demands.
ReplyDeleteI find solace in your words, knowing that the act of closing off, while painful, is an act of survival. Your poem honors that truth without judgment and offers a quiet hope that healing is possible someday.
ReplyDeleteYour voice in poetry is a gift to the world.
ReplyDeleteestefaaano_writes, you create rainbows from storms.
ReplyDeleteThe way you juxtapose past innocence with present defenses conveys such a deep sadness but also a haunting beauty. It reminds me that beneath every closed door there is once a version of ourselves that was fragile and full of hope.
ReplyDeleteThis poem resonates as a silent cry from those who guard their hearts so fiercely not because they don’t want love, but because their experience has taught them that love can be a source of pain. Your work offers validation to those silent struggles.
ReplyDeleteðŸ˜
ReplyDeleteYou reach the reader with empathy and insight.
ReplyDelete🤗
ReplyDeleteYour metaphors are unforgettable
ReplyDeleteThis one makes me want to be gentler with myself.
ReplyDeleteThere’s something deeply human and heartbreaking about the way you portray love as an act that sometimes feels like banging against closed doors. It’s a reminder that love is often messy and imperfect, but still worth it.
ReplyDeleteThe blend of poetic metaphor and raw emotion in this piece creates a space where readers can simultaneously feel pain, empathy, and a flicker of hope. It’s a nuanced exploration of the ways we build and break down emotional barriers.
ReplyDeleteEach image lands with so much weight.
ReplyDeleteunderstanding from confusion.
ReplyDeleteThis one feels like it's written from the edges and the heart at once.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve painted a portrait of emotional defense mechanisms as both beautiful and tragic. It’s as if the speaker’s heart is an art piece built from shards of pain and hope—that complexity is both heartbreaking and stunning.
ReplyDeletethe emotional maturity in this poem is palpable.
ReplyDeleteI love how each stanza unfolds another layer of emotional complexity, drawing the reader deeper into the fragile heart beneath the armor.
ReplyDeleteI keep coming back to your lines about ‘mental gymnastics’ and ‘antiheroes on headstones’—these are such striking, original images that speak to the exhausting effort it takes to keep loving with a bruised heart.
ReplyDelete