something to lose

vi. something to lose

estefaaano_writes 

i used to walk through fire

like it was just weather,

red tongues licking at my ankles,

nothing burning but the air.

i lived on the fault line

of my own life,

waiting for the earth to swallow me...

it never did.

nothing shook me.

nothing made me flinch.

i was a stone.

i was already dead.

i watched planes fall from the sky

on evening news,

ravens dropping,

ate dinner alone with my ghost,

went to bed alone with the dark,

woke up to nothing,

and called it freedom.

what a lie that was.

then you arrived

like a bill i couldn't pay.

like a house i couldn't afford to lose.

and suddenly I had skin in the game,

suddenly i was mortal,

breakable; afraid.

you gave me something to lose.

now i understand why people

lock their doors at night.

why they buy insurance against death,

why they hold on with white knuckles,

why they scream when the train comes.

you filled me in.

you colored between the lines.

and i used to think

you could hear the ocean in a seashell,

what a childish thing to believe.

but when i press my ear

to your chest at night

and i swear i hear it.

the whole vast ocean,

the waves that ever broke,

the tides that ever turned,

and i'm afraid for the first time in my life,

that one day the sound will stop.